Sunday 30th May vs Lord Gnomes

Lord Gnomes 218-9 (Suranga 4-51, Adam Fairweather 3-19)   Great Missenden Pelicans 49 all out (Yusuf Khan 21)

LOST by 169 runs

Man of the Match: Yusuf Khan

The only thing missing was Boris Karloff
Another afternoon of ‘lions led by a donkey’ but as you will see that does a huge disservice to donkeys and is a bigger insult to lions.

The afternoon began with a surfeit of teams arriving at the Meadow. There were the Gnomes, a handful of Pelicans and another team, LRC I believe who had been sent to the wrong venue. It appeared they had been given some crook intel. They had organised the match with someone called Barry, this knowledge, plus the presence of the opposition gave the skipper the confidence that the Pelis were playing at home. It reminded me of the Cheech and Chong ‘Is Dave there man?’ routine, but of course when I mentioned this several people asked me what a Cheech was.

Toss made, Pelicans in the field, there’s a surprise.

We welcomed Rags back and the match marked the debut of Yusuf, son of Khan.

Toobes opened from the Railway End, unleashing a Peli yorker which was larruped to the mid-wicket boundary. One delivery and no idea how the wicket might play as the ball didn’t touch it. From the Nags Head End Yusuf fired up the engine to deliver a tidy 7-over spell. His final ball was a rocket which took his pater and first slip by surprise and was next seen nestled by the ‘sight’ screen (inserted commas to be explained later*). Like Toobes moving Nic to hide him in the field Yusuf then took the gloves, a little bit of ‘step aside old man, watch and learn’.

Rags and ‘Sir Anger’ took up the attack and by his own admission the ‘Ragometer’ was a little out of sync. Metronomic became more Mini Metro, running but not as reliable as it was when it was new.

Suranga took 4 wickets with the Pelis helping him out with some quality catching. The catch at midwicket to dismiss the Gnomes’ Number 3 was followed by some typical muppetry from the Pelis overseas. In an attempt to recreate the ‘Andy Bichel Aussie Rules’ celebration Nic threw the ball in the air, tried to drop kick it as it hit the ground only to miss it, stand on the ball and roll his ankle. Moron! Initial thought was for Nic to leave the field but the bar is set pretty high for leg/foot injuries in the Pelis so to avoid derision he decided to brazen it out. This didn’t stop Nic being asked several times ‘Weren’t you limping on the other foot?’ Needless to say, several single fingered salutes and possibly suggestive hand gestures were proffered.

Around about the same time, a group of ladies who will now be referred to ‘Mumsnet’ set up their picnic just behind the sightscreen, Suranga politely suggested a spot by the scoreboard. They set up camp and proceeded to enjoy some high-quality work in the field, Nic stepped over a ball and then had to collect it shamefaced from the boundary, apologising for his colourful Antipodean vernacular, Amit chased a ball into their sausage rolls. We let them use the facilities for which ‘Mumsnet’ will give us a 10 on Trustpilot, the second-best score for the Pelicans.

Suranga collected a bag of 4 and this success was built open by A Fairweather who picked up 3 scalps for 19, he remains the skipper’s tail end destroyer and leading wicket taker.

218/9, a good effort with good batting from all the Gnomes. It was a better than decent total but there was pedigree in the home team’s batting line up.

Getting your ducks in a row

Opening were Raheel, Dad of Khan and Nico. Raheel was first to go, out to a quite wonderful catch at second slip. It was suggested that bringing actual cricket to the Meadow was one unusual, two not in keeping with what normally happens here of a Sunday. Next to go was Nic. The ball that got him was described as the ball of the century; it was of test quality (what kind of test we’re unsure). Nic left the arena feeling just like Mike Gatting that day in 1993. Amit and Rupert succumbed to the left arm round the wicket (‘Prince of Actions’ according to some), Rags to the bowler who got Nico. Yusuf continued his quality debut with some cracking shots and the highest score in the paltry total of 49. The Gnomes spinner took a bag including Toobes, taken by the same chap at second slip. The fielder concerned is a pilot so it heartens me that he has decent eyesight and a steady hand.

Adam was the last man out. One full delivery passed close to his leg stump with no real shot offered. Adam lamented that he didn’t see it, the diaphanous nature of the screen not helping to sight the delivery.*

Yusuf 21,  Amit, Toobes and Suranga odds and sods? And 5 ducks.

There ended the horror, a game that can be likened to a group of people in a cabin in the woods, power goes out, no phone and a bloke in a hockey goalie mask with a chainsaw. For those Telegraph readers amongst us, it was more akin to a Hieronymus Bosch or Edvard Munch.

The match was played in good spirit, the Gnomes are a lovely bunch of chaps, (including an Aussie called Carter) and played a good game.

Both teams retired to the pub in good time.

As for this day, lets park in the multi-story of disappointment and let the council of despair remove it for scrap to the wrecker’s yard of the past.

postscript to embarrassing performance against Lord Gnomes May 30 2021

Reports are intended to convey an entertaining picture of the day’s play. No disrespect is meant, but if on occasion we misjudge matters, please take it in the friendly and humorous spirit in which it is intended.